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Alive...Or Just Breathing?
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[13 Mar 2005|11:24pm] |
I'm doing this for me.
Not all of you.
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[16 Feb 2005|08:36pm] |
All of us are anxious to improve our lives, but are unwilling to improve ourselves. And therefore we all remain bound. If we do not shrink from self-examination, we can never fail to accomplish what our hearts are set on. This, is entirely true, and can not be argued. Even if all you want is money, all you have to do is make personal sacrifices to acquire it, and how much more so for those who would realize they just wanted a strong life.
I just want a strong life...
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[16 Feb 2005|08:17pm] |
Let’s take a moment to look at things in a factual perspective
Without opinion based allegations
Without self pity and short temper, fakeness, change, and deliberate doubt
Just the genuinity that springs from the strong
And what do we have?
Another soul lost by misguidance.
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[09 Feb 2005|09:38pm] |
I am so utterly done trying to please everyone. I am who I am. I like to think I'm a nice, level-headed guy. But I'm starting to think that I'm really not. And I don't want reassurance in who I am. And I don't want what all of you are going to say or think when you read this. Because the truth is I have to find out myself. All of you have different opinions about me. Which is why I have no opinion of myself. What the fuck am I supposed to think? It's so damn hard when the two closest people I have tell me the complete opposite. My mind is gone. I'm tired, boring, and easy going at this point. And oh gosh I hate talking about myself. But maybe once I start, it'll get me somewhere. Through all this bullshit of friends who at some point are utterly dispensible (as am I at any given point) and the ridiculousness of a superficial, benign life, I have managed to lose my opinion of who I am.
I'm so far gone now
I've been running on empty
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| This fall winter. |
[25 Jan 2005|05:12pm] |
Cold winter air around my neck, came across a fork in the road
Indecisiveness still one of my few enemies
Don’t know which way to go
Took a nap in the wet street
Woke up in a ditch
Bright moonlight beating against my chest
Dirt walls in every which way
Tried climbing out of it
Lost my faith
////////////////////////////////////////////////
Fate put me in this hole
It’s my choice to break custom
Can’t let repetition be part of my bearings
For I am not one of them
Be as asinine as it may sound
I took a single step up
And placed my foot upon the grass
Levitation is possible
Mind can break reality
Thick shrubs and trees forever each way in the distance
This is my life
A new road has been chosen
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[23 Jan 2005|12:12am] |
I wonder where she’s been in the last half hour or so
She wants to know why there is still injustice
And my answer is a flat note:
“That’s the fucking way it is,
If you choose it to be”
Shall you mourn my last farewell?
Or can you convince me to start from the beginning?
And look for justice in all the wrong places
Oh, Lord, let’s not go back on anything.
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[20 Jan 2005|11:21pm] |
It would take me forever to tell you
All that’s not new in where I find myself
New is a word for all of you idiots in this valley that think
Style upon style in fashion and thought at last
We must be getting somewhere
I’ve heard you say as much
End is too gloomy of a word for you to bear
I’ve been ending my life for 17 years
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[12 Jan 2005|12:23am] |
No, he'd never make her lie
To anyone, but that she had a mind to
And she goes her way, but having caught
A glimpse of that lingering person inside
So anxious to make all he can of it
He tries to think of ways to exceed that which he promises
With something he remembers in himself
And give good measure to judgemental friends, though thankless
Needn't be she feel the same way in return
Though his heart wishes for,
He will never stop repeating
And his first thought under pressure was a grave
In a moist new hole plotted by himself
Under he didn't care how great a stone
But she put cemetery flowers by his grave
And stopped his growing grief and doubt.
When I promise you the world, and a dozen roses
You will recieve no less than thirteen
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[11 Jan 2005|12:13am] |
With hopes of getting mankind unbenighted
Some ignorance takes rank as innocence
Have it for all of me or have it dense
This slave will never thank his master
A good cheap anti-dark is now the need
In this fucking good cheap 24 hour day
And oh no part of which would I ever fucking waste
Who knows where I’ll never get
Who’s time will be taken in the process
You see it’s sleep and slowness that’s a crime
He gave up sleeps some many nights ago
It shows up in his face and smile as well
Where I am going I do not know
But you will always be by my side
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[09 Jan 2005|11:23pm] |
I have kept hidden in the instep shade
Of an old darkness past the waterside
Where a root tugged past it’s thorn lay
Sent a soul to depths where it should be yearned
Under a spell so the wrong ones will never find it
So can’t get saved, as He says they mustn’t
I stole the shade from that which creates light
So here is your darkness from the waterside
A poison so addictive it creates new levels of confusion
Bask waste deep in and be damned
A single ankle is where I lay
How much further I will go I do not know
But please cease to question what doesn’t concern you
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[08 Jan 2005|01:23pm] |
How could I be so alone when I have myself
Some type of constellational company
To convince myself I am not alone
After all, what’s the point?
It’s an emotional brick wall built by doubt
To never cope or never care
Proving to yourself that you’re all alone?
How could feeling so torn be such an addiction
I’m hating myself and praising my friends
Still trying to be brave and prove that I wont be scared
Nothing will lie in my way if I convince myself
I’m strong enough not to care
And willing enough
To teach the world how to cope
But I’ll be the one
The one who’s left with nothing at all
And so I’m accepting my fate at such an early age
This is how it’s going to be and I wouldn’t have it any other fucking way
And this type of thinking is going to do me in.
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[06 Jan 2005|06:37pm] |
And there was a crimson hole in your back
Was that a smirk on my face or a strategically placed frown?
I became excited at the thought of hurting you
And hurt at the thought of losing you
I held my bleeding hand up
But it didn’t shake
And took a moment to amuse your blunder
Let myself exact it off again
A knife up my sleeve screaming your name
Some things happen at the blink of an eye
I slid the blade far into your hole
But did it not protrude from the other side
Caught between your spine and heart
It’s something that you will live with forever
Another part of who you are
I left my mark and it’s of a proportional size
And now you’re not quite dead
But definitely not among the living
And the locked door is now cracked open
But I’m left without a reason to move on
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[04 Dec 2004|09:06pm] |
Okay so I haven't updated this thing in a while. Haven't had the desire or time. I highly doubt anyone reads this anymore, but if you are then sweet. So much can happen in just a month...
I got kicked out of OFL because I'm dumb. I really can't think of any other way to put it. I'm currently enrolled in Valencia. Ditching classes is cool. Next week I'll probably be at Bewman. ...Don't ask.
My job at LoveSac is pretty fucken awesome. I work about 25 hours a week which is enough to keep me tired at night. So no complaints.
I'm the new keyboardist of Drowning Victoria (AKA One Life Left). I played a show last night. It kinda sucked but we played well. Next week we play at The No Future Cafe, and the week after that we play at The Roxy. Ask me for info.
I have a girlfriend now. Her name is Dani. She's pretty damn rad.
The end.
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[14 Oct 2004|05:06pm] |
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The battle's over. My heart moves on.
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[13 Oct 2004|08:54pm] |
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so my life is pretty fucking cool, and these cupcakes and chocolate milk are only making it better.
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[10 Oct 2004|01:49pm] |
Life is a confusing bitch that wont shut the fuck up.
Image marred by self-infliction
Private wars on my soul waged
Heart is scarred by dual volitions
Juxtaposed and both engaged
Kindle flame, a test of faith
Pray help me see it through
I put all my trust in you
Refine hate and love
Fall afresh on me
End this crisis of
Identity
Draw this darkness out like poison
Stab, retrieve, again decline
Help me drive the dagger deeper
Trace with me explicit line
Take this blade, a test of faith,
And strike me deep and true
I put all my trust in you
Refine hate and love
Fall afresh on me
End this crisis of
Identity
This is my voice, all shadows stained, this is my heart, upon the altar laid
Please take all else away, hear my cry, I beg, I plead, I pray
I'll walk into the flame, a calculated risk to further bless your name
So strike me deep and true, and in your strength I will live and die both unto you.
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[09 Oct 2004|11:52pm] |
It's difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over
When I've looked right through
To see you naked and oblivious
And you don’t see me, but I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there’s more behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
The eyes of a tragedy
Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded,
But I see through it all,
And see you
So I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
The eyes of a tragedy
Oh well, apparently nothing
You don't see me,
You don't see me at all.
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[08 Oct 2004|01:02am] |
The weight of nothing is on my shoulders. And it’s just too much to bear. So many expectations dropped, dependencies that once were will never be.
So many of you look up to me, so many of you look down on me. It’s hard to satisfy second long glances. Or maybe my viewpoint is just slanted. It’s so hard to tell what you all see.
I don’t know what to think anymore. If I embodied what I wish I did, I’d finally see in thoroughly thrived choice of action.
Contemplating got me nowhere. Idealism pulled me in.
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[07 Oct 2004|08:09pm] |
I JUST GOT HIRED AT LOVE SAC!!!
all of you better come visit me
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